Waiting for the hummingbirds..

It's another beautiful day in Charleston, South Carolina. It's sunny, ninety-two degrees and there is a breeze (thanks be to God!) that wicks away some of the humidity. I took Elleri to school this morning and while listening to the radio, I heard a song. The Band Perry, 'If I Die Young.' I'll save everyone a lot of time by just posting a few lines..

"Lord make me a rainbow I'll shine down on my mother
She knows I'm safe with you and she stands under my colors
Oh and life ain't always what you think it ought to be
No it ain't even grey but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life
Well I've had just enough time

If I die young burry me satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I have just enough time"

Five years ago this weekend, I lost someone I love very much. A brother in almost every sense of the word, Brandon Lee Hubbert was a force to be reckoned with. With a ridiculous silver jacket and shoes he'd beat on you for scuffing, he was handsome and head-strong. He was smart and knew just what to say to tick you off or make you smile. Never one to be a fly on the wall, he loved being the center of attention. He fought with his dad unlike any two men have ever fought before, but loved him fiercely. He was his mama's boy and was always on hand to give her a squeeze when she was feeling a little bit discouraged. He had painfully blue eyes and could sucker any girl into darn near anything. He loved his high school sweetheart so incredibly much and would protect her from any harm that ever came her way. He was a best friend, honest and true. One who would say it like it was, regardless of what you wanted to hear. He was funny! So very funny and seemingly always in trouble with someone. He was an athlete. A magnificent runner and basketball player, and you could usually find him on the courts in housing playing a little ball before dinner. He drove really fast. He loved his dog. His drink of choice was Captain and Coke.. ew. He never let his hair get too long because he didn't like the little flip that his curls would do around his forehead and ears. He had the cutest ears. He loved professional sports and would smack anyone who ever talked down about any of his beloved Detroit teams. He had a really cute butt and he was painfully ticklish. He was a military brat and moved around a lot, but called Kodiak home (second, sometimes, to Detroit.) and his friends were his family. He got in trouble for jumping his dad's red Jeep Wrangler over by Northstar Elementary. (Little did dad know, I was the instigator of this whole ordeal!) He listened to Bone Thugs 'n Harmony. He secretly listened to Big and Rich. He drove his dad's mustang more than he was actually allowed to. He got into some trouble along the way and paid a great deal for all of it. He was a son. He was a friend. He was a husband. He would have been a father.

Five years ago this weekend, the hummingbirds stopped coming to mom and dad's house. Ruby-throated hummingbirds are abundant in Northern Michigan and they just.. stopped coming.

Five years ago this weekend, I lost someone I love very much. I was in class all morning, but my phone was blowing up with calls from Bryce. He wasn't leaving messages, until the thirteenth call. He said, "Kathryn. It's Bryce. Call me back. It's important." He knew my schedule, so for him to be calling this much and leaving such a somber message, I knew in my stomach something was wrong. I took a moment and called him back. He told me to go to a place where I could sit down and no one would hear me scream. Crossing the street between SWAHA and Cedar Chiropractic, I heard myself sobbing. He explained to me what had happened. I don't really remember much of that day. I know I somehow made it from the middle of the road to V's office. Doc gave me a ride home to the empty house. I crawled through the front door and went straight for Sarah's happy hippo, Carson.

Between trying to understand things myself and trying to book a ticket to Michigan, I made the phone calls. Nobody likes to be the Grim Reaper, but people needed to know. Eugene was the first person. Ty, Kelly, Michella, Joe, Paul.. And then finally, I called B's parents.

I called my mom and told her what had happened. I told her that I needed to get on a plane immediately and that I couldn't do it without her help. I was a student and could in no way afford the thousand dollar plane ticket, next day, from Utah to Michigan. But I knew I had to be there. She said that she'd talk it over with my dad and hung up the phone.. Only to call me back in less than a minute, crying. I was on the plane the following morning. Joe, Joe and Eugene picked me up from the airport and, after getting lost and almost crossing over into Canada, we made it to the house. I thought I was going to pass out. Joe and Eugene literally carried me into the garage, up the stairs and to mom and dad. We hugged and cried. I don't think that any of us slept that night. The funeral came and went, wake at the house in the garage with lots of food and even more alcohol. Somehow, without ever having heard the song before, everyone in the room knew the lyrics to 'Live This Life' by Big and Rich. We sang and ate. Laughed and cried. Danced and held each other.

In the midst of all of the sadness, Brandon's son was born on August 16th. He was healthy and looked like his daddy from the second he entered the world. His eyes and eyebrows, his nose and lips, his ears and even his feet. His daddy's boy. I held him through the better portion of the funeral and I swear it was B's way of putting a baby-shaped band-aid on my wounded heart.

Most of the trip is recalled as though I didn't live it. It is in the form of film footage, like it was an out-of-body experience. I can remember every single moment of the nine days I spent in Michigan. Nine days. I was only supposed to be there for four, but Joe and I missed our flight. When we got home, we knew it was another message from Brandon. His mom and dad weren't ready to be alone yet. We went to the cabin. We spent nights talking and looking at videos. I confessed to the whole 'Jeep' situation. And on a beautiful Upper Peninsula day in August, a baby was baptized. Jaden James Hubbert was handed to myself and Ryan Kabke as we were called forward as Godparents. It was easily the proudest moment of my life thus far. Sadly, I've dropped that ball completely. I pray that Brandon will help guide me to making things right again.

Five years ago this weekend, the hummingbirds stopped coming. But, on that sunny Upper Peninsula day, in the backyard of a house, around friends and family, with a beautiful baby in my arms, I saw the hummingbirds. Two of them. Two little beacons of peace and hope, fluttering about by the birdhouse that B made for his mom. I know he sent them to us, to me. They were his little way of letting me know that he was alright, that everything would be as it should be in time, that no matter where I was, he'd find me. Brandon was a best friend, honest and true. He kept his word.

Five years ago this weekend, I lost someone I love very much. However, I gained a few things. I gained a mom and dad who were in desperate need of a child.. I pray that my presence and that of the others who were able to come up served as a miniscule buffer for them. I gained a connection with people that will never be forgotten. Though I don't speak with everyone often, nothing in the world will ever minimize the intensity that we experienced with one another. I gained a Godson. The most beautiful creature to ever walk this planet, he is his father's boy. And I love him. I also gained a series of days, August 14th-16th of every year, that stop me dead in my tracks and force me to contemplate who I am, where I am and what I am going to do about it. These few days serve as a slap upside the head for me. They shake me and give me no other option than to truly evaluate myself. I generally call them my 'dark days.' I used to spend them alone, communicating those who played such an integral part in this experience, and remembering my friend. Last year, I was en route to the biggest adventure of my life. Being on an airplane is meditation for me, so on August 14th, 2009 I spent hours in my head, thinking of B and how his life and death have driven me to do things beyond my wildest imagination. This year, I will be on Daniel Island, South Carolina listening to the man whose lyrics soothe me in ways that I cannot possibly describe. I will sing 'Salvation' under my breath and allow for the words to lift me up and place me in the open arms of my ever-present guardian angel. I will talk to our friends, to our family. I will look at photos and cry. My hand will go to my heart, my face to the sky, and I will ask him to watch over me through the next year. And I will wait. I will wait for the hummingbirds to come.

They always do.

Imagine yourself..

Imagine a woman in love with herself.

Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is a woman.
A woman who honors her experiences and tells her stories.
Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman who trusts and respects herself.
A woman who listens to her needs and desires.
Who meets them with tenderness and grace.

Imagine a woman who authors her own life.
A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf.
Who refueses to surrender except to her truest self and wisest voice.

Imagine a woman who names her own Gods.
A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.
Who designs her own spirituality and allows it to inform her daily life.

Imagine a woman in love with her own body.
A woman who believe her body is enough, Just as it is.
Who celebrates her body's rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

Imagine a woman who honors the body of the Goddess in her changing body.
A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.
Who refuses to use her precious life energy disguising the changes in her.

Imagine a woman who values the women in her life.
A woman who sits in circles of women.
Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

IMAGINE YOURSELF AS THIS WOMAN.

-Patricia Lynn Reilly

I have officially checked off two more items on my Charleston To-Do List!! Numeros 1 and 19!! Yay!

I was just going through a few older blogs (think Myspace... haha. Ancient history!) and found that I had posted this poem. It's funny because anyone who knows me very well knows that I have part of a Maya Angelou poem tattooed on my ribs.. "It's in the reach of my arms, the span of my hips, the stride of my step, the curl of my lips, I am a woman phenomenally, phenomenal woman, that's me." This is another one of those good 'I am woman, hear me roar!' poems and I just thought I'd share it with you.

For any of my sisters who are having a rough time right now (life, love, money, kids, faith, etc..) I hope you remember to tell yourself how phenomenal you truly are. Each and every one of you. You are the daughters of an EVER-LOVING God. Put your trust in Him and remind yourself that He doesn't make mistakes. Love you.

A few wrongs can sometimes equal a right..

As one could probably tell from my last post, I was pretty lonely last night. Missing my friends and family has become a constant issue of mine, one that has been bringing me down as of late. I can feel the desolation within me and how it has been diminishing my life light.

This will not do.

I have been bouncing around from church to church for the past few months. I thought I'd found the one for me on a few occasions, but there was always something that just didn't feel quite right. I'm a baby Christian and I am the first to admit that I don't know a whole lot about my Heavenly Father or His word. However, I am an eager student and I've been on a 'spiritual quest' for the perfect 'home' since leaving the BESTCHURCHFAMILYEVER at Grace Harbor.

I digress..

So in my bought of self pity last night, I began searching online for churches around the area. Honestly fearing that I would never find a 'home' like I'd found in Sitka's Grace Harbor, I was feeling pretty meek about my quest. I found one that looked like a winner and Mapquested the directions. Now, I can find my way through the woods like nobody's business. I can read a relief map fairly well and my sense of 'place' is generally pretty good. That being said, I got lost. Church was supposed to start at 9:30am and it was already a quarter til. I was reduced to tears.. again. Bowing my head in defeat, I turned around and headed home.

And then... it struck me. I needed pineapple.

I go grocery shopping pretty regularly. There are two routes to the store I generally shop at. One is the main entrance, the other drives me past the Church at LifePark. It is a beautiful building, one that I pass and think 'Wow. That is a beautiful building.' Anyway, it's relatively new in town, having just opened its doors... (wait for it..)... in March of 2010!! I just moved here in March of 2o1o! Had He put this church here for me? Was I simply missing the big picture? Driving past the building twice a week at least, and reveling in it's beauty, yet not going inside? C'mon now! Get with it, Kathryn!

I just returned from a service that rivals what I had back home. It was MAGNIFICENT. It shook me to my core and tickled me down to my roots. It kicked me in the butt. Just what I had been praying for.

I know the power of prayer. I know that the answers aren't always what I want them to be, what I expect them to be. I know that if I continue to be obedient and loving and am able to admit my wrongdoings, that I will be blessed with His love and the love of my family and friends.

I know that sometimes, more often than not in my case, it takes getting a little bit lost in order to find out exactly where you're supposed to be.

** Also!! Checked #13 off of my Charleston To-Do list!! Yay!

Footnotes and chapters..

In the story of my life, I pray to God that no one feels like they're simply a footnote.

I have recently (as in, over the past three days) gained the immense fear that I have not given the right amount of time to the people I consider special to me. I think back over the past twenty-four years and marvel at all of the incredible people I have had the pleasure of knowing. Some of those individuals will likely never know to what extent they have impacted me. I don't know if that is because some divine intervention separated us before I had the insight to their importance or if I just didn't take the opportunity to adequately thank them for all that they had done for me. Either way, this concept is frightening.

I met a woman on the plane from Ft. Lauderdale to Las Vegas. She was seated across from me and one row up, but I could see that she was wearing a dress that I will forever covet and, what's more, she was reading 'Eat, Pray, Love.' Anyone who loves that book and what it stands for is a friend of mine. (And anyone who knows me at all knows that I can talk to ANYONE, ANYWHERE.) Well, I struck up conversation with her regarding where she was at in the book, as I was traveling with my copy as well. We chatted about how fantastically written it is, with so much voice and color, and resumed our journey into Elizabeth Gilbert's literary adventures. Every few chapters, I would poke her and see how she was doing. She gloried at the fact that the story was so relatable, almost an 'every woman's' story. After exchanging contact information, I bid her adieu and welcomed her to Sin City. I now have a pen-pal in the least likely of places and I couldn't be more excited to have yet one more person to share my life with.

I suppose my point in sharing that story is that I want her to know how important it was to me that I met her that day. I plan on sending her an email saying just that, in hopes that she reads it and smiles. And perhaps, on a day that she is feeling a little bit down and out, she'll remember that she impacted me and that she will always have a friend in the girl from the plane.

The friends that I have are so intensely important to me. My best friend from sixth grade, a girl that I have had a turbulent relationship with in the past, but love with all of my heart. Through it all, we have been able to remember that connection, which has been strong enough to overcome miles between us (both literally and figuratively). There have been days, sometimes months, that I questioned if we'd make it out of our arguments, but I never once pondered over the absolute and complete love that we have for each other.

My best friend 'Pants,' whom I met in a church in Southern Utah. We bonded over the name of a dog and the name of an island. I don't talk to her everyday, sometimes I don't talk to her for months, but I absolutely LOVE her. I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I could pick up the phone right this second and if I needed her, she'd be there for me... Perhaps even HERE for me. She's known to drop it all for people she loves, something that I adore and admire about her. She is objective and personal. She is completely phenomenal. Phenomenal woman, that's her.

Heath Ledger. No, not the actual Heath Ledger. Just a look-alike. She is super-human. She is the picture of resilience. She is a mother, a daughter, a sister, a student, a hard worker, a VW driver, a HOME OWNER (and she's only 23!!), and a friend. An amazing friend. A friend that I can turn to with the pettiest of situations and she will set aside time to listen to me as though I were confessing that I am actually an alien being (which, let's face it, I sometimes feel like..). She listens to me deeply and completely and never implies that I am being ridiculous, even when I know that that's the case.

My beast friend, my Homie. Over ten years of an unbreakable bond behind us and the trials just keep on coming. We have been through everything together and she knows secrets about me and my heart that I've only told my dog. The funny thing about best friends is that they see you for who you really are, but love you anyway. That summarizes us perfectly. Never any judgement, only someone to canoodle when the whole world seems to be falling down around us. And more than that, a smiling face and obnoxious laugh to share all of the good times with.

My six foot tall, Carson the Happy Hippo loving, red-stiletto wearing, coke slurpee enthusiast. She is constantly putting things into perspective for me. The little things in life that she appreciates end up being perpetual reminders that I need to, in all things, be grateful and rejoice. Easily one of the funniest people I've ever met, I can only hope that one day our Peruvian dreams will become a reality.

My beach bumming, popcorn and ice cream loving, Gilmore Girls addicted prior roommate. The best adventure partner that a girl could ask for. With moments notice, she'd never hesitate to climb a mountain or pick death berries with me. She led me to God. She supported me, literally held me up, through my journey to my ocean baptism. One day, we will be sister missionaries, riding on a pink scooter with a side car, singing at the tops of our lungs. She's also an incredible 'sock slider.' Give her a 10x10 foot room with bare hardwood floors and she'll put Tom Cruise in Risky Business to shame.

My CDub. I feel horrible, but I was probably in the WORST place of my life while forming my relationship with her. But steadfast and strong, she stood by me. One of the worst days of my life thus far was made a little bit better at the knowledge that I wouldn't be home alone as night fell.

My BossLady. Carrot Cake Day was made our own personal holiday. On my journey to find God, I stumbled upon the best job I've ever had. Her unyielding support and love impacted me in ways that I will never be able to adequately thank her for. I thank Him for hand picking my friend for me. I know that it is because of His will that she will be a lifelong friend of mine.

An animal-loving, IUD-child bearing, intensely creative, photographer friend who I've not spent more than 24 hours around in my whole life. She is the balm to my wounds. In an email that she wrote to me over three years ago, she pulled me out of one of the most terrible places I have ever been. If she didn't know that before, I pray that she reads this at some point and knows that I am alive, and thriving, because of her words.. Not just her words, but the intention I knew came with them. She loves me without even knowing me. And I love her for that.

My 'sister.' No.. My SISTER. In every way except for blood (and sometimes I even question if we aren't actually blood related as we look more alike one another than we do our own biological sisters!) she is my sister. My soul sister. (Enter Train song here.) I need her in ways that I have never needed anyone before. When situations in our lives posed problems and we were temporarily separated (again, literally and metaphorically) it was easily the worst eight months of my life. We've not known each other long, only five years, but the five most character forming years of each of our lives. I don't know who I'd be, where I'd be without her.

My mothers.. I have been adopted by some amazing women. But mostly my mother. My heart aches after two days without talking to her. She has been out at our family cabin for the summer and we've spoken a total of seven times in the past month and a half. Needless to say, it's been the longest summer of my life. I feel like the only time I truly know who I am is when I am with my mother. Easily the bravest and strongest person that I know, she has instilled in me some of my most favorite qualities about myself.

The Betty's, an unlikely group of friends to which I will forever be the fifth wheel.. But hey, five wheels have to be more sturdy than four, right? It's what I will continue telling myself until proven otherwise. The 'ita nighters... Margaritas, fajitas and senoritas. Even though it may seem like all fun and games, I cherish the one or two nights a year that I get to spend with this gaggle of girls. I laugh harder in those few hours than I generally do in months.

I cannot express, in words or otherwise, how incredibly thankful I am to have such amazing friends. Especially my female friends.. I'm seeing a pattern here.. I am blessed. Truly and completely.

I cannot help though, to look back at the relationships that I have had with certain people and wonder... Was I just a footnote? Or was I important enough to be a chapter? If given the opportunity, I could write pages about each person in this flutter of thoughts. And of the people who weren't named, I'm sorry. It doesn't make you any less important to me.

I travel constantly so to see the people I love. I don't make much money, but the money I make is spent on plane tickets and frozen yogurt. Sometimes, though it may sound selfish, I feel like I am not as important to everyone else as they are to me. I realize that everybody has a life outside of their relationships with me. Some of my dear friends have children and husbands and careers and mortgages. I don't have those things. My life, my single and alone life, doesn't cost much money to live, thus I probably can afford to traipse about more freely than others. However, it doesn't make me feel any less unimportant sometimes. Home should come to me once in awhile. Be that Alaska, California, Utah, Washington or anywhere else.

I am going to try and do better to make sure that the people who I love know that I love them. I am going to tell them, show them.. Do what I can to ensure that they are a chapter, or many chapters in most cases, in the story of my life.

Pickin' up where I left off...

I cannot remember the last time that I wrote for pleasure.. Being a student again has definitely caused my brain to switch gears on me! However, following recent life experiences, I have decided to start writing again. I am so excited to relive the past few months of my life! It's been a wild ride..

In March, I relocated to Mount Pleasant, South Carolina after taking a job as a nanny. What a wonderful idea that turned out to be! Aside from the bouts of homesickness (which can sometimes be debilitating!) I am so happy here. The weather is nothing to complain about and I regularly taunt my Alaska/Utah family with photos of me laying on a beach somewhere. (I'm a good friend, I know!) The food is good. It's really good. I miss my fish (salmon and halibut) but I'm starting to really enjoy swordfish and grouper! Also, shrimp and grits might be one the greatest food collaborations ever. And I've been cooking more regularly, too. Perfecting real jambalaya, vegetarian lasagna, baked macaroni and cheese.. Hummingbird cake. Yes. Hummingbird cake. It's amazing! Though, my all-time favorite southern dessert still reigns.. Red velvet. Oh, the tasty deliciousness!

I've learned that my time with this family is limited, therefore my time in Charleston might be facing a near end as well. I took a few minutes to think about what I want to spend the remainder of my southern summer doing..

1. Walk the Cooper River Bridge without passing out

2. Run the IOP Connector without passing out

3. Tour Boone Hall Plantation.. Catch a butterfly on my nose

4. Take a Charleston ghost tour

5. See an alligator in the wild.. or at least on the golf course

6. Get IOP, SI, and CHS stickers (for the car that I don't own yet!)

7. Play in the fountains downtown and have someone take a photo of me

8. Go paddleboarding.. twice!

9. Kayak under the Cooper River Bridge

10. Eat fresh tuna at Long Point Grille

11. Play cornhole

12. See a sea turtle released into the wild

13. Go to a Southern Baptist church and sing praise to Him at the tops of my lungs!!

14. Do 1 hour of uninterrupted yoga on the beach

15. Drive to Savannah and take a ghost tour

16. Find a shark tooth in Myrtle Beach

17. Wear a big, white flower in my hair

18. Grill something super tasty

19. Buy local produce at the Tuesday afternoon Farmer's Market

20. Read a Nicolas Sparks book on the beach

21. Buy my own pair of coyboy boots

22. Wear a floppy brimmed sun hat at Folly Beach

23. Eat at Taco Boy... again!

24. Have a visitor from home

25. Ride a mechanical bull

26. Go skydiving

27. Ride a jet ski

28. Be a mermaid

29. Sleep outside

30. Catch a firefly

Now, I know some of these things appear to be a little bit unrealistic. I realize that I can't be an actual mermaid, but I am excited to get buried in the sand and given a tail and shell boobies! Riding a mechanical bull might be a problem, as there isn't one located at a bar around here (weird). Riding a jet ski will be slightly difficult as I don't know anyone who has one.. But I'm always making friends! I think that these are all things that can be done. I've done some research about prices for things and dates that classes are held. I'll do it, to it!

No school...

Got some more sad news today. Another baby has died. This time it was a four month old little girl. Her mama passed away a little over a month ago from full blown AIDS and the baby died from AIDS complications and respiratory illness. Another brand new little person is gone. I just have to keep reminding myself that she is in heaven now. I’m almost a little bit thankful that she left so young. At least now she doesn’t have to deal with the pain that living with AIDS in Africa causes.

The governor is in town today and work has been cancelled. Only two more days after this until we leave for Pemba! Wow! THE OCEAN! I am hoping I can find the last of my little gifts for people back home when I get there. I have a couple more things that I need to pick up. I’m going to sit and watch a movie with B and try to spend the rest of my day out at the village with the kiddos. Since there is no work today, we don’t have school, but I want to spend as much time with my little friends as I can before I leave.

The Countdown Begins

Holy moly. My last Sunday in Balama. I am amazed at how quickly the month went by. I am beyond ready to get home. I mostly can’t wait to get back and tie up all of the loose ends. There is a lot in my life right now that is up in the air. School, a job, and my home. I need to get back and get my life into some sort of order.

We got news today that a baby has died. She was one month old. I’m not entirely sure what happened, but apparently she had been sick for a week and her little body couldn’t take it anymore. What is even harder for me is that my little girls’ twin brother has severe malaria. His mom brought him to us this afternoon. He was whimpering and totally lethargic. B gave him medication and we prayed for him and sent them home. I can only pray that we wake up tomorrow to a baby and not needs for a funeral. Scary stuff.

Church was amazing today! Not only did everyone dance and sing as usual, but they had a little ceremony for me! Different people came up to praise the Lord for my good heart and hard work. It was really lovely. Everyone came up for hugs and kisses and we all laughed and cried! It is so nice to be a part of such a transparent group of people! Everyone back home teases me for being too easily excited or quick to cry, but here everyone is like me! YIPPEE! I fit in somewhere!

Three people asked to have the Lord in their lives today. They stood up in church on their own and walked to the front and stated their testimonies. One was really intense. He had been raised Muslim and had been practicing his entire life. 23 years ago, he acquired rheumatoid arthritis and was unable to work. Less than one week ago, he had a dream that told him to go to the nearest church. He found out where Fred lived and requested to go to church with him on Sunday. Following his conversation with Fred, he awoke the next day with no pain! He had been healed! I know it sounds incredulous, but I talked to him myself. He came to the front of the church and told everyone in the room about how amazing he felt and how he knows it’s because he has Jesus in his life! WOW! I myself have never truly understood or believed in His healing power, but this is as much proof as any.

I’ve been very emotional all day today and I’m not really sure why. I have a ton of mixed feelings right now. I miss everyone terribly, but I don’t want to leave. I need to get home to start putting my life together, but none of that really matters if I’m not where I’m supposed to be. I am just feeling very unsettled. Time to pray.

Batik!

Went to the market today and bought 4 kaplanas (swatches of fabric that are 4 meters long and used to make clothing). They are BATIK! Real batik, with wax still on them! They have zebras and giraffes on them! My two favorite African animals! Yay! Looks like mom will be making a quilt with African fabric when I get home. She is too good to me. :)

Ale made me a bush pizza for dinner tonight. It was easily the best pizza I have ever had. It was my farewell treat. We even had cold yogurt for dessert along with our usual papaya and banana! Tasty!

Got really bad heat exhaustion today. I need to remember not to pile all of my hair on top of my head because as soon as I took it down and put it into braids I felt worlds better.

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

6 days til Pemba. 8 days til Jo’burg. 19 days til Paris. 24 days til Vegas.

Wow. Time flies when you are enjoying yourself beyond all reason! Woke up at 5am to head to Mavala for distribution today. I feel so blessed to have been at two Mavala distributions in my time here. It is an amazing process to be a part of. I rode out with the workers. I had a blast! They all love me and we just took a bunch of silly photos and laughed! I even tried to put a 70kg bag of beans on my head! Augusto thought I was going to die! It was way too heavy for me to hold on my own!

There were quite a few more people at distribution today than there was last time. Some came by foot from five hours away. It is truly humbling when I think about how close I live to food and healthcare. I could crawl on my hands and knees to Market Center over 500 times in the hours it takes for some of these families to walk to Mavala. Pastor Pintos’ house is almost complete and then he can start to preach at the Mavala church. The village can hardly wait. Any chance they get to hear the word of God and their voices go silent. It’s powerful.

I met a baby today and fell in love. Surprised? He was there with his parents and his paternal grandmother. His mom was one of OU’s original orphans. She and her three siblings were orphaned several years ago when their parents were murdered in Maputo. They were brought back to Balama to live with OU until an aunt stepped forward to help. Now she lives with her husband, two children and her siblings. Typical story, luckily a fairly happy one.

Went to Pastor Fred’s wedding today! Africans really know how to party! The pastor who married them rode in on a dirt bike and led their truck around town. The bed of the truck was filled with teenagers singing at the tops of their lungs! It was great! The ceremony wasn’t much different than one from back home. The only real difference was the fact that Fred and his wife were not smiling. Apparently, they have to appear solemn to display that they are entering into marriage seriously. It was SO HOT. No AC and over 90 degrees in a room of 75 people. The room was no bigger than a 10x10ft storage room! It was hot and smelly! When we finally left the court, we followed the wedding truck by foot. There was a group of woman that S and I joined in singing and dancing down the street. Quite the scene!

Last baby day

My best friend Joshua’s grandma passed away. My poor Joshua Giraffe. Naz was an amazing woman, one of the wittiest, stubborn and most charismatic people I’ve ever met. My heart is hurting for Joshua and his family, but I am thankful that Naz is no longer in any type of pain or under any stress. I’m sure that her heaven is full of birds, live ones that look like the glass ones that covered her shelves and tables!

Baby day was the BEST! It got to give a billion kisses and took some AWESOME photos! I can’t believe that this is really my last one until next fall! I’ll miss them all so much. I just pray that they will all be happy and healthy toddlers when I get back. Aminat sat on my lap and napped for a little while this morning. It’s moments like those that make me all the more confidant that I am to be a mother one day. My heart was at total peace holding her little body and rocking her back and forth. I even taught her a song! ‘Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes!’ It was pretty amazing.

I got notice today that my younger sister wants to come spend some time with me once she graduates in December. This is GREAT news! I left home when she was still so young, so I haven’t gotten to spend much quality time with her in the past 5 years. Now we have that opportunity! She is so smart and funny. And so responsible. I’m incredibly proud of her. Babysitter for hire!

It’s mid afternoon and well over 90 degrees. Luckily I got to go to the pond today and put my toes in the water. Simple pleasures.

The Cure for Anything

One week from tomorrow and I will be on the ocean. What is it about the water that affects me so deeply? It’s like I can just think about putting my toes in the salt water or bobbing along in a boat and my heart swells as though I am reminiscing about the first time I fell in love! A wise woman once told me to never love anything that couldn’t love you back. I think we were talking about my coffee table, right L? :) Anyway, I honestly believe that the ocean loves me back! The way it embraces each and every part of me and how it supplies my family with sustenance… That has to be love! I know that He created the heavens and earth and land and water, but I think He had me in mind with the ocean. Or maybe He had the ocean in mind when He created me. He wanted me to be someone who could really appreciate all that He gave us with the water. Well I’m here and I’m appreciating!

We got an emergency call to the bush, or further into it that we already are anyway, to pick up a pregnant woman who was having complications due to malaria. We drove back to get her and she was literally in the bushes. With only one week until her due date, she was feverish, vomiting and everything else that goes along with those nasty amoebas. I had serious empathy for her. I know how awful I felt last week and I can hardly imagine the fear that would go along with being pregnant as well. We prayed for her and dropped her off at the clinic. We will know in a few days how things turn out.

We drove from the clinic to a very remote village that is interested in getting a church. Within fifteen minutes, B had bought the land! Looks like we have some fundraising to do, friends! The team will need as many donations as possible to cover the cost of construction and the $75 a month to house and feed the pastor and his family. It’s very exciting!

Today at lunch was another episode of Westside Story: War at the Watering Hole! I know I haven’t mentioned it before, but every afternoon around 1pm there is an epic battle between the mongooses and the crows. The crows are like mafia hit men! They aren’t like our crows back home. They have on little tuxedos. They’re smaller than our crows too, but just as obnoxious! They don’t let ANYONE get to the water! Not even the smaller birds. The mongooses, though totally outnumbered, put up quite a fight. It’s good ol’ bush entertainment!

Tomorrow is the best day of the week! Baby day! And it’s my last one here until next year.

The Ocean!

I can’t for the life of me remember what I dreamed about last night, but it must have been great! I haven’t awoken with such peace in my heart since my arrival to Balama. I was literally giggling! Maybe I’m just going crazy. :)

In a little over a week, B and I will be departing for Pemba. I am so excited to see the ocean! The Indian Ocean! B said that it is really inexpensive to rent snorkel gear, so you’d better believe that I will be in that water and ready to explore! I wish I had one of those Baywatch propeller thingys to use. Haha. I can just see the look on everyone’s faces. ‘Silly American girl.’ THE OCEAN!

‘If there is magic on this planet, it is contained in water.’ Loren Eisley

I totally agree with this sentiment. Nothing calms my nerves or heals my heart as much as being in or on the ocean. I feel so blessed that following such an incredible month here in Balama, I get to spend TWO DAYS on the water. It’s like a reward for working hard!

The next nine days will undoubtedly fly by. I am looking forward to whatever adventures they are sure to bring.

Kathryn VS Malaria part 2

I’m feeling better today than I was yesterday! Hallelujah! I’m still very lethargic, but I can move a bit faster and I have kept down oatmeal, rice cereal, and papaya with banana. ‘Man cannot live on bread alone.’ I think that woman can live off of papaya and banana! :)

Everyone knows me well enough to know that I am a total wimp when I get sick. I power through all of the aches and pains, but I am a big baby deep down and all I want is my mama. I woke up yesterday morning and just cried. It’s the first time I’ve felt so horribly homesick and all I could do was pray that someone, anyone, would email me to tell me they loved me. I needed it so badly and the Internet had been down for a day so I was even more lonely than I should have been! Arg!

But low and behold, my prayers were answered in the form of a phone call from Sitka. PASTOR AND CAROLYN! They called at 7am and it was exactly what I needed to lift my spirits. It’s nuts that we are literally a half a world away from each other and the phone call was so clear! Modern technology at it’s finest! I was so glad to hear that my blog is being well received by the people who are reading it! I’m so happy to know that my babbling is entertaining! I promise to put more meat into each of the entries when I get home. It’s hard to write a really in depth entry when I’m working on B’s computer and we’re running off of a solar powered battery! Thank you everyone for following me on my travels. I can’t wait for the chance to post photos so everybody can see the fantasticness (not a word, I know, but it fit!) that I write about when mentioning the children. And the very raw reality that is the village of Balama and her people. I am confident that it will move everyone deeply. I am hoping that everyone is moved deeply enough to want to help! :)

I’m going to assist at school this morning. It’s the first time since Friday that I’ve been able to really function semi-normally. I’m praying that by tomorrow, I’ll feel good as new! Again, thank you for your prayers and well wishes! And thank you Pastor and Carolyn for the phone call. It really was an answer to my prayers.

My love goes to everyone back in Alaska, Utah, Arizona, California, Washington, North Carolina, Florida, Johannesburg and everywhere else that my friends and family live. Your constant support is definitely a source of strength for me, felt all the way across the world.

Kathryn VS Malaria

I could not sleep for the life of me last night. I knew I was sick when I couldn’t find the strength to hold my book open long enough to read a page.

By the time breakfast rolled around, I was totally unable to function. I had consumed one bite of pancake before rushing to the restroom to throw up. B immediately started me on the treatment for malaria. (Note: For the sanity of my dear mother, I agreed to take the preventatives, but as we can now see, they don’t always do their job.) I slowly made my way to my bed, where I stayed laying down for a full 24 hours. I could do nothing but sip on sugar water and pray. The body aches were worse than I can even explain. I’ve been sick before, really sick. But this was almost unmanageable. By the time my second dose of meds kicked in, around 6pm, I could not even move. I was spiking a fever and getting shakes. To make even the slightest noise or movement caused pain to shoot from the top of my head to my tailbone.

B was such a great nurse. She brought her phone to me so I could call her if I couldn’t find the strength to yell next door. She got me all set up with a bucket and water and crackers (by this point it had been about 36 hours since I’d consumed anything but sugar water.) I drifted in and out of sleep, awaking four times with sweat dripping from my body. The fevers have to be the hardest part of malaria as there is nothing you can do but wait them out.

B came over at 3:30am to check on me. She had been having nightmares that I wasn’t going to be alright and that she would have to medivac me out of Mozambique. Luckily, by the time she got to my room, I was feeling much better. B said that I was the worse case that she has ever seen with the exception of a 20 year old man who waited too long to alert her that he wasn’t feeling well. It is surprising how okay I feel right now. I’m sore and I have another fever, but I was able to get out of bed and get to the office with little assistance.

I’m looking forward to being able to eat. I had a bit of lunch today, but my appetite is really nowhere to be found. I was looking forward to dropping some unsightly pounds while here in Africa, but malaria was not the way I wanted to do it!

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me. I am confident that I would not be feeling this well if it weren’t for your unwavering faith and support. I will update on this as needed, but hopefully this is the last you will have to hear about me and my new found amoebas!

And Mama..
I’m sorry I didn’t alert you sooner. I didn’t want you to worry. I’m going to be just fine! This is the life of a missionary! Constantly meeting opposition that will lead us on a path away from our goals. I’m still completely convinced that this is where I am supposed to be. My heart is so happy it could burst!

Sad day to be a snake

I can’t believe that it has been eight years since the attacks on the World Trade Centers, the Pentagon and the plane in Pennsylvania. It’s strange to be in a place where people don’t have any idea about 9/11. That day turned America’s world upside down while the folks in Balama were spraying beans with pesticides.

I spent the morning with A and the men up at the mill. They ran a bunch of beans through the shaft and sprayed them with bug juice to prepare them for distribution in Mavala next week. It was quite the process. And the men are worst camera hams than all of the children combined! They all wanted their photos taken next to the mill and on the bags of beans and with the bags on their heads. It was hilarious! Today was filled with first’s for me; first time with the workers at the mill, first time carrying something on my head (I was horrible and got laughed at!) and… FIRST SNAKE!! We were in the dining room preparing for lunch when everyone began yelling, ‘COBRA, COBRA!’ (snake in Portuguese) B called me outside to see what was happening. A three foot mamba had made its way into the dog pen with the puppies! We could see it’s trail in the sand, like someone had written a message to us in cursive. And there it was, in the corner of the pen, just waiting to do its thing! Thankfully, A and S spotted it before the puppies did and with one swift ‘THWACK!’ it was dead. Sad day to be a snake.

We’re spending the rest of the afternoon making little ‘houses’ for the tomato plants. The grasshoppers and birds have been devouring them and it’s up to us to offer some protection! Off we go to save the day! B seriously needs a super hero outfit. The things this woman deals with! And she is almost all better after her bout with malaria.

Baby Day!

If Wednesday is Carrot Cake Day, then Thursday is officially BABY DAY! I LOVE BABY DAY! It’s only the best day of the week. All of the babies from the village are brought in to be weighed and loved on by ME! Yippee!

It turns out my baby mama (mother of the twins and the little boy) has been living in a dilapidated house. We went to see it, decided that it was unlivable, and brought her and all of her things to a new home. Just so happens that this new home is right outside of our gate! I guess it was our way of compromising with her. We will be able to check on them daily and personally see to it that her baby girl is getting all of the love and nutrients that she needs. I got to hold the little love muffin for the entire move! She just coo’ed and played with my keys and my hair. I love her. You all knew that helping me get down here to a bunch of babies was a potentially disastrous idea! Don’t worry though, I looked into it and it’s illegal for me to bring one back as a carry on. :)

Weigh ins were an absolute success. Everyone looked happy and healthy. I got to play with and take photos of everything going on, from the babies to the food distribution. I took about seven photos that I know are keepers. I ABSOLUTELY love one of them. We have one widow that is just hilarious. She is always playing practical jokes and poking fun at her friends. I took a close up shot of her making this great face. I could just hear my mom’s voice in the background as I took it.

I gave out lots of kisses and hugs today. I love that the kids all know me now and that they are so excited every time they see me! I can’t wait to return next year and see how much they have grown and learned.

Happy Birthday to my Trinity Anastasia!! My ‘sister’ Camille’s daughter is four years old today! Wow. I got an email from Michella, my best friend back home, and it made my whole day! I am so lucky to have such amazing women in my life.

I am starting to contemplate what is going to happen when I get back to Sitka. I need a job. I am praying for a job that pays at least $800 every check after taxes. I can’t work six days a week while I’m going through school, so a M-F schedule would be wonderful. Ask and you shall receive, right? I figured I might as well ask, very specifically, and hope for the best!

I’m also looking into what fundraising options I have. I have taken some fantastic photos and I think that I could sell them. Perhaps an auction or at a bazaar or something. I need to research tickets for my trip next fall and book them before they cost me another arm and a leg! The tickets this year were crazy and maybe if I can earn enough before JUNE (when I got the tickets this time) I will be able to get a better deal. Goodness, so much is happening in my brain! Things will be busy for the next few years, but I am officially dedicated to helping keep Orphans Unlimited the best program that it can be! I made a promise to Brenda and everyone else out here that I will do whatever I can to raise awareness and be of as much of assistance as possible.

This was put in my heart for a reason and I am not about to turn and walk away.

Portuguese?

I wrote letters to six people last night, yet another attempt at making things right with everyone and letting go of the past. I’m feeling pretty good about it. B and I had a long talk about the importance of forgiveness, both offering it and receiving it. I needed to get a bunch of hurt out of my system so that I can open up more in my relationships with God, my friends and my family. I’m praying that this is precisely what I needed to jumpstart the healing process! I got a couple of nice emails from home. I love hearing from everyone. The hardest part of this trip has definitely been not being able to talk to my family and friends. Other than that, I have so genuinely enjoyed my time here! I’m excited about next year! This trip has been excellent preparation for a longer one next fall. Now I know exactly what to bring and how much. I also know that I need to get myself a Portuguese tutor! If anyone knows of someone in Sitka, help a girl out! It is extremely difficult to give medical attention to a seven year old that doesn’t speak English. It’s harder when her two care takers don’t either!

Fatima ripped a toenail off today and was bleeding everywhere. Trying to help her was close to impossible. I just said a quick prayer that she could understand that I was there to help and went to work! She had to be restrained while we got her cleaned off and taped up. Poor girl. She was so afraid! Thankfully, we were able to take care of things swiftly and she spent the rest of school glued to my side. Thank you, Lord!

I found out today that one of our young widows killed her newborn baby. She has been removed from our program. A brand new person was killed because this woman didn’t have the guts to admit that she had had sex out of wedlock. I understand a person’s nervousness at admitting wrongdoings, I struggle with it all of the time, but there is NEVER an excuse to do what she did. My whole heart hurts. Things like this make me want my mom.

I slept great last night with the help of a good book and some melatonin! I know a certain someone with sleeping problems that will be getting a bottle of it as a gift when I get home! I have been thinking a lot about my dad lately. I obviously miss all of my family more than words could ever convey, but my dad and I have always had a very ‘special’ relationship and it’s been on my mind. I think I’m going to take some time to write him a letter. I’d love for him and Sister to come visit this fall, once I get into my new home. I would love for mom to come too, but since she’s visited twice already, I think that the two of them should come on their own and leave the ‘kids’ with her. The dogs need someone at home to love on them and take them on walks and feed them and pick up… Love you mom!

I’m covered in bug bites! I put on my bug dope everyday, but they still seem to get me. They aren’t mosquito bites and I’m still up and moving around, so I suppose I’m fine! Thank God! I can’t imagine what my mom would do if I got malaria while I was here! She’d definitely not be happy about my return next year! B actually started the treatment for malaria today. She doesn’t have a horrible case of it this time, she is still able to walk and oversee the workers, but she is definitely sick. I’m praying that the treatment works swiftly and that she is back to good health soon!

I’m officially homesick today. Maybe not homesick as much as I want to talk to everyone! I miss voices! I am lucky to have a couple of funny videos on my laptop of Marjorie and I doing hulahoop on the Wii. They keep me from missing everyone too much! Thanks Majie!

Summer Skin

A friend from years past consumed my dreams last night. Apparently the next chapter in my emotional baggage purge. I’ve been listening to a lot of music lately and one of the best groups ever, Death Cab for Cutie, has been consistently playing as I fall asleep at night. One of my favorite songs is Summer Skin. It brings to mind all of the loves of my life and how so many of them were fleeting. Not just boys that I’ve had feelings for, but also my friends and interests. As I reflect on everything and everyone, I’m realizing that I want stability and longevity. The few friends that I have had since I was little and the ones that I’ve met more recently are wonderful. I don’t want to imagine my life without any of them and, as of my recent trip to Utah, I no longer have to! Yay for second chances! I’ve been blessed with amazing people and adventures, but only a few of them have really proven to withstand the tests of time. This has made it increasingly difficult for me to really try with anyone or anything. I’ve put a lot of effort into things and watched people and opportunities simply pick up and leave. I’m taking the time to realize that these things happened for some reason far greater than I will probably ever know and that throughout all of the come-aparts, something great always remained. This summer has been a great indication example of this. I’ve met so many new people over the past four months and made some of the biggest decisions of my life, my baptism being the biggest! And I don’t know if I would have felt so strongly about making that decision if I hadn’t had the group of people around me that I did. I don’t know where time will take me and the relationships that I have made as of late, but I do know that I am thankful for them and I am ready to take steps in my life to make things more permanent; a stable home, college, and church. I’m excited.

Phew! That was quite the purge of emotion. I’m good now. OH! I saw the Milky Way tonight for the first time in my life! It lit up the entire sky! We are so blessed. I simply walked outside at six o’clock at night to a moonless sky and saw one of the most phenomenal sights ever. How could anyone not believe that there is something more for us? With all of this beauty for us to appreciate, why not give Him credit?